CROYUS - The Father of Fathercology

So the wife volunteered me for the Des Moines Art Festival. For the unintiated, it’s a three day event which  actually is pretty huge. On Saturday there is the farmers market as well. In other words, downtown Des Moines is hopping.

Anyway, I’m writing this as I stand in booth making sure nothing disappears while the artist, Jon Kamrath, does a demo of his ceramics. As a guy, we often get asked to do things that we might not otherwise do. At the Art Festival, my wife was nice enough to pimp out my height to help anyone who was rolling up or taking down their tent. Such a nice pimp. She kept her pimp hand strong!

Anyway, the reality is it was a good day. The sculptures were adequatly nice, and the people watching was kind of fun. It turns out that the hip people hang out at the downtown art show. The fat overweight people hang at the one at the fairgrounds. We went to both, and I’m relatively sure the art downtown was more intersting. At least it was more dangerous. The wind made things more intersting.

The day ended with my wife and I  red faced. It’s either the sun or… nope, it was the sun. Fricking burnt!

she would say, “Do it again. That was awesome!”

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• I hate movie theatres and I’m not sure why? Maybe because the last movie I saw was Dave Chapelle’s Half Baked and I was the only one to get the pearl necklace joke.

• I’m going to start writing my book again which means I will achieve new heights of procrastination, I.e. perhaps the lawn needs swept. It looks dusty.

• I think the internet is a great thing. The fact that it can be used for porn just makes it that much nicer.

• Trust no one who says they are a sales man. Their first priority is selling and not be trustworthy.

• Don’t trust any customer service person you talk to unless they seem as pissed as you. Of course they should not be pissed at you, but be pissed they have to talk to you due to their companies issues.

• So I had a Chipotle burrito for lunch and it was over 1300 calories… getting fat and having a heart attack
  never tasted so good.
  

A couple weeks ago my celluar contract ran out, so my lovely wife told me I had to get an AT&T phone, since he iPhone was not going anywhere. Reluctantly, I concourred and we went to the store. I got an Tilt which has Windows Mobile 6 on it.

It is the anti-iPhone.

Ok, this is a lame post, but I’m typing it on my phone. Let’s see the wife do that on her iPhone.

Yes today is my annual participation in the Dam to Dam. It’s an  annual rite where I run 12.3 miles to a place where they have beer. Myself, and 5,000 other people will start at a Dam 12.3 miles from downtown Des Moines and run through the countryside on our way to a really big party.
This is my fourth year running and each year I have a top 10 personal finish. This year will be no different. The one thing I have found is that my training methods have gotten steadily worse. The first year, I actually did not drink for 3 months and ran allot. Then, each passing year I ran less and drank more. Last year I was working so much that I hardly drank, but only walked flights of stairs at work for training. This year I dug post holes and put up a fence.
What does this mean?

It mean that I will run 12.3 miles today because running that distance is more about my mind having a goal and making my body tag along with it. Around mile marker 8, my right knee should start bitching at me and by mile marker 8.2, I’ll be skipping to try and not use my right leg. Only 4 more miles to go!

After the race is when all my training will not pay off. I’ll be as mobile as a rock. My only solace is that there is a beer at the party and after Xoe’s soccer game (which I will have to walk down and up a hill), I’ll sit on the back porch and drink beer. I’ll stare at my lushish dandelion lawn and remember my exploits while asking one of my children for another beer (that’s why I had them).
On Monday, I’ll be mobile but will resemble something of myself when I am old (say 38). My friend Cordell who has been running to train will make fun of me as he bounds effortlessly around the office. I’ll watch him and think to myself I should train better.. “Next year,” I will say to myself. “Next year, I manually dig a lake in my back yard. That will ensure a top 10 personnel best!”
Damn!

So like when vampires look into the mirror, they don’t see themselves right? What the hell happened to their clothes? Why can’t you see them? Are they designer vampire clothes that you can’t get at the Gap but you can and the closest Goth shop?

So like I have been hearing allot about carbon footprints and how we should try and reduce how much carbon we are responsible for releasing into the air. This got my little mind working. I fart allot, especially with the all the broccoli I eat, and I am sure that adds to my carbon footprint. But then I realized, while in an elevator farting, there was someone watching me. Somewhere in the dark corners between one-way glass was a camera. And it was trained on me… watching me fart.

Then it dawned on me. Not only was my colon contributing to global warming, but me, myself, and I was as well.You see, it started when I got in the car this morning. I turned it on and a computer in the car recorded the activity. I drove across 2 black tubes in the road, and a computer recorded my car. As I drove down the highway, some kid in Nevada was watching my car zip down the highway on a web cam. When I arrived into work and got on the elevator, I swiped my card and a computer recorded I was there and what floor I wanted to go to. And then I farted. And a computer somewhere was digitizing my image as the elevator filled with last night’s tuna.Wigged out, I walked to my desk and sat down. If I logged into the computer, my presence would be recorded on the network servers. If I search online, that too would be captured. I reached to call my wife to tell her of my discovery, but stopped with my hand just outstretched. The call would be monitored, and possibly recorded for training purposes.Yes, there was little that I could do. Almost every action I would do, would somewhere be recorded to a hard drive or a tape backup. I was millions and billions of ones and zeros. An each day, my digital footprint grows. When will it stop? Will there be enough ones and zeros for everyone? Think of all the carbon emissions required to make me and keep me digital. Toxic battery back ups and travel costs to store my image off sight. I am a one-man carbon creator and a world wrecker. I am a terabyte of data and growing.

At home and raced to my wife and told her of my power of destruction… she was not overly impressed.

Listen to this story and you can hear that you too speak human. I know that Wang Zhilu may be dead, but his existence and his parents makes the world a better place. No one is that different. We would all be feeling the same. You can understand it in their voices.
Be human

It’s loud. It’s annoying. It’s ME. Go here to hear.